You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. - Obi-Wan Kenobi, Episode IV: A New Hope
I only wish my enemy was as tangible as that. Unfortunately, it’s not. It’s in me and without me. It’s there because of decisions I’ve made, changes I’ve made, and things outside of my control. It’s not often that I feel totally and utterly powerless, but it’s happening and it’s a powerful force to fight against.
For the past week, I’ve been fighting to keep from falling into depression. Or what would be a depression for someone like me. Sometimes my moods swing too much for me to be able to appropriately manage. Oh, well. (And yes I am taking my thyroid medicine like I’m supposed to.)
Anyway, Dad said something tonight on the phone that made me think. He said whatever you do, don’t quit. And he knew that I would consciously keep telling myself that I was trying and that I was working towards my goal, but eventually I’d start letting doubt and fear seep in. Enough that I would start convincing myself not to do things or finding things to do that would keep me from doing them.
He mentioned not being afraid of rejection. But I know that I am even when I say that I’m not. Or I guess not really afraid…just tired of it. I want to be selfish a little and find someone willing to hire me for being me. Or hell someone willing to hire me and tell me that eventually I’ll move into a position that I like. And I’ll eventually settle on anyone willing to hire me and pay me enough to live on.
Sigh. I was forcefully suicidal today at work…I may have scared Kevin, the laptop insurance guy who was my boss this summer, when I asked for his Desert Eagle .50 and told him the target was me. Hehe, I’m not really going to do it…it’s just easier sometimes to contemplate not existing than it is to deal with my incompetence. I got a 58% on my 380 test…and I could’ve done better.
I should’ve done better. There were several mistakes that were just stupid errors. Which I see as stupid errors now, but why can’t I ever notice these things when they’d be really useful to know? On top of that, I didn’t go in as prepared as I should’ve been. I should’ve forced myself to sit down and spend several hours working through different problems, but I felt a false sense of security from the first test (81%). Which I thought was going to be hard…unfortunately it turns out I had the difficulties backwards.
Oh, well.
At least today gave me a little bit of good news: Fonix.com who makes DEC Talk is willing to work with me/us to get a working text-to-speech (TTS) engine. So if everything goes through as smooth as pie I should have a working C wrapped TTS running by the end of the weekend. Of course, nothing ever runs smoothly, so I’m expecting it to be good to go at the end of next week.
And Dad talked to Daren, his cousin, about a fella at a New Albany buisness which has some pretty cool stuff. They do PCB type things…I only wish they were more distinct in their products on the web…and that they had a career section. Unfortunately they don’t, so I’ll have to give this guy a call and hope that he’s got some time and information to share with me. Cross your fingers and say a little prayer for me.
January 25th, 2005 at 7:07 pm
Don’t Quit
when things go wrong as they sometimes will,
when the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit,
rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
life is queer with its twists and turns,
as every one of us sometimes learns,
and many a failure turns about
when s/he might have won had s/he stuck it out.
don’t give up though the pace seems slow-
you may succeed with another blow
success is failure turned inside out-
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems so far,
so stick to the fight when
you’re hardest hit-
it’s when things seem worst that
you must not quit.
January 25th, 2005 at 7:20 pm
*MUAH*
To the both of ya.
January 26th, 2005 at 11:06 am
Everyone has been there and everyone that is strong enough pull out of it.
I have tried and failed, came home with my tail tucked between my legs, and felt like I would never find the end of my road.
I had people there to help me and I got my shit together. Everyday I would be battered and bruise by the constant attacks on me but I came through better than I entered
Rejection is just a sign that it’s not the right place for you. It’s always hard to let go of the doors that close so you can see the ones that will open for you.
Life is short but it will be painfully longer if you spend your time worrying about what you do tomorrow.
Real Life lesson, my friend Glick graduated and didn’t find his high paying job for 6 months afterward and has changed to better jobs 3 times already. He is still looking for the best one for him while living quite nicely.
Head up beautiful person